Hello everyone!
This will be a bit more of a serious post today. I will be talking about my experience with autism and anxiety, as well as how I came to have faith in God and Jesus Christ.
My Story
Imagine you are ten years old, sitting with your family in a small, family-owned pizza place called Dominic’s the day before Halloween. You are eating a delicious cheese pizza and watching a TV in the corner of the room. The Simpsons is on; it’s a Halloween special.
This is the setting for the day anxiety disorder hijacked my life.
In the episode, Homer is attending a school board meeting or something. When he walks into the school, he realizes it is freezing in the building. He happens to walk past a thermostat, and he cranks it up to maximum, hoping no one will notice.
In the basement of the school, an old janitor is sitting by an old-fashioned furnace. Suddenly, the furnace flares up like hell’s inferno. The janitor opens the grate to see what’s going on, and he is lit on fire.
He runs around the building until he finds the conference room full of people. He screams for help, but the moderator says, “Just a moment.” Homer answers a question or something, and the camera turns back to the burning janitor.
The janitor is now a red, skeleton zombie. He swears and oath of vengeance against the people there for allowing him to be burned to death.
At this moment, I screamed and burst into tears. That image caused something to snap in my brain. From that moment on fear was my near-constant emotion.
It started with just a fear of fire––okay, that makes sense, I’d seen a guy get killed on TV with fire; so I was scared of fire. That was followed by fears of poisonous spiders, carbon monoxide poisoning, murderers, rapists, paranormal monsters, and dozens of other illogical things.
The worst one was the fear that I couldn’t explain; fear of absolutely nothing. Often, I would be overwhelmed by an uncertain feeling of fear. I didn’t understand where these fears were coming from, but I felt there was nothing I could do to control them.
During this time, I started to question my faith. I was raised in a Christian household on Biblical principles and morals. I believed that God was real, but I didn’t understand why God wouldn’t take my fears away. More than anything, I was afraid of dying and going to Hell, because that’s what I knew I deserved.
My fears ravaged unchecked for about three years. Paranoia and anxiety were pretty much my constant state of mind. Almost every night I would lay huddled in my bed consumed by spells of waking terror. My family and I didn’t understand what was going on, but we feared that I was driving myself insane.
One day, God stepped in and changed my entire life. I was confiding in my dad about whatever fear was keeping me awake at the time, and he shared a Bible verse he had read that day. The verse was John 8:44: “He [Satan] was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”
A feeling of otherworldly peace descended upon me. My fears were Satan and his demons lying to me. I didn’t have to listen. Believe it or not, telling Satan to get the hell out of your head actually alleviates fear, most of the time.
During first semester of college (ironically, right around Halloween), I had a bit of a resurgence in my fears. It is pretty normal for me to have small resurgences from time to time, usually when I’m drifting too far from God. I was also extremely stressed first semester because I took seven classes instead of the normal four.
Some of my professors grew concerned about me and recommended that I go to the counseling center. Upon talking to a counselor there, I told them that I suspected that I might have autism spectrum disorder during my senior year of high school, the only year I attend public school. I thought this because I observed the behaviors of autistic students there and realizing I possessed many of them.
I asked them if there was a way for me to find out. The counselor I spoke to referred me to Cathi, a social worker who works with autistic students on campus. Upon speaking to with me, Cathi could pretty much tell that I did indeed have high-functioning autism (also known as Asperger’s Syndrome); she also believed that I had anxiety disorder.
Honestly, I didn’t believe her about the anxiety at first, until I looked up the symptoms. Chronic, irrational fears and paranoia are common symptoms of anxiety disorder. I could not believe it. There was a logical reason for my having these ridiculous fears all my life, and there were other people who had the same problem!
I got my conditions officially diagnosed later that year, and I have since joined a support group for college students with autism, become a vocal advocate for acceptance, and learned to love myself a lot more since I understand my brain now.
My most recent challenge involving my mental health was during my the first semester of my sophomore year of college. I moved in with one of my aunts because she lived close to my college, and she offered cheap rent for a bedroom and my own bathroom.
I have learned throughout my life, that I am horrible with transitions. Starting a new school year and adjusting to living in a new environment was not kind on my anxiety. It got so bad that I started having panic attacks. I was constantly dreading my next bad day, which made it hard to function even on my good days.
Cathi suggested I think about anxiety medication. My dad was dead-set against it because he had heard and seen so many bad things about psychological medications. Eventually, after a family session with Cathi, my parents hesitantly agreed to let me try it. My doctor initially tried to prescribe my Prozac, but my dad said, "Hell no."
After discussion with my doctor and my father, I was prescribed Lexipro, and that stuff has been a God-send. I didn't know a world existed where your mind didn't race all the time and over-think every little detail of your environment. I can now go for walks around my campus without constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure I'm not been followed and go grocery shopping on my own without almost having a panic attack. These may seem like small victories, but even the small victories have a big impact in the course of one's life.
Conclusion
I wouldn't be here today without God's intervention and the loving support of my parents and therapist. I highly recommend anyone who is struggling with fears or feelings they don't understand seeks out a therapist and a loving person you can confide your troubles in.
Thank you for reading!
